I am a twenty-seven year old lost soul, almost always frustrated with the state of the world and my placement in it, fuelled by the power to change this, overwhelmed by the ways in which I can do so, and inspired every step of the way. Going in circles daily. Trying to carve a path; digging a hole instead.
I am twenty-seven. I won’t be here for long, but I’ll always be me, until I am not. What difference does it make where I step and what I say? People are always talking about the “big picture” but what about the right now picture, where I feel utterly useless; misguided and totally lost. My compass must be broken. It can’t be… me… The problem, the dud, the dried up orange peel, the dirty dish water, the stagnant fart that everyone runs from.
A little shake of the head can do that to you. One concussion and depression, anxiety, confusion, defensiveness, and lazy daisy outlooks are all over me, itching and scratching and biting and poking and prodding almost constantly. (Hello, it’s an excuse, and I’m sticking to it!) How do you adapt when all you knew was there and then not there any more. This character is building and splitting and changing and running and staying and straying, and I can’t write them all down fast enough. There’s too many of them inside me.
This is my declaration to me: forget what you see. Take all the pros and the stars and the positivity that you harbour and just be you, not them they he she. Create the belief that you can succeed. And you will and you are, you’ve just got to believe. That darn word. That god darn word: believe. I could sandwich it between cheese, fry it up and eat pleased. But what if I didn’t, and what if I don’t – believe, I mean – and what if I lose it, where then will I be? I think I’m totally lost now, but what of me when I don’t believe?
I found this cabin in the woods that I’ve always dreamed of. It’s a cabin – one room with a bed and desk and a couple windows – that you can rent for the night for $25. It’s a walk into the woods in the back acreage of a woman’s house. There’s no lock on the door so you don’t need a key. Someone could kill me. That’s what one of the comments said; she couldn’t stay more than one night because the door didn’t lock and she was terrified. I laughed in glee, but that’ll probably be me.
I’m going to go there and write and sort all these me’s out. On paper or like… Well.. digitally… I’ll do it all freely and then I’ll be able to see. It’s always a long list, isn’t it, before you can be free. Here’s a little peak and my free-me-hulabuloo:
- Teach everyone how to be mindful
- Stop animal cruelty
- Be funny on the internet
- Lead by example
- Eat less pizza
- Write more
- Complain less
- Get Merity out of my head